“I am Sorry. I am sorry for hurting you so much. I don’t know what happens to me when I am in anger. And often it has happened that I have taken steps in anger that I have later regretted. Though this anger lasts for a really small time, but I guess it does all the damage in that little impulse. I just want to see you happy. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. And no matter how much I try to keep things within myself, I end up spilling everything. It hurts me more than it hurts you. And numerous times I have punished myself for such behaviour and still it doesn’t go away. I don’t know what’s the problem with me? Or as a matter of fact with my heart? It just doesn’t accept any rational. It loves you madly even when mind shows it the truth and reality. It acts foolishly, brining me to anger even when the mind tells everything is fine. I need you to be with me. Its amazing how an animal like me changes into a human being in your presence. It really changes things around. Its magical what your presence do to me. The very feeling of your presence makes the life so easy to live and so easy to fight with. I get this courage to keep winning, to keep living. And even then, I spoil every second of your presence. May be because its never enough for me. My love is insatiable and wants more. Its as selfish as it can get and instead ends up loosing everything that it can get. I am sorry for what all I said to you today. I hope to make some amends to it tomorrow with a very special sorry. But, believe me, I am as sorry as some one can be. I know it would be hard for you to sleep tonite with my words piercing you…I just wish I could have been there to catch every tear of you before it drops. It was Christmas and look what I did to you. I am sorry. I am really sorry. Please forgive me. “
I wish I could have said those words to her today. I wish I could put my feelings in words to say to her. But, as they say, an arrow from a bow and spoken words cant return. How I wish those can return. How I wish I could bring smile to her face. And, I have always wanted that, but have always ended up doing the opposite. Sometimes I feel god is doing justice to her by keeping me away from her. As she puts it, “Whatever god will do, will be the best”. May be she’s right. She doesn’t deserve an asshole like me who has only given her tears. I wish things go back to our 4th year. That was one time I had no fear of loosing her and I was a completely different person. It is only the fear of loosing her which has made me change into this rascal. And oh god, I hate my self for this. I hate myself for being so bad to her. I hate myself for being unable to bring happiness in her life.
I am scared now. I am scared how would I tell her that I planning to leave? Oh shit….What have I done? Who would be by her side in my absence? Am I leaving too early? I wish I could tell her right away and get this load off my back. But, its not all that simple. I will have to give her strength to fight it. And may be the only way to do so is by not coming forward as an understanding person. By repeating the same old stupid things to irritate her, so that she starts hating me. Already things have changed a lot and some more effort from my side will make sure she gets fed up of me. But is it the only way out? I mean I cant hurt her intentionally. It would be like slapping myself 4 times for every wrong thing/word said to her. And it might also mean giving her deep enough wounds that may never heal. No…I cant do this to her. I have already tried doing this before. It never worked. She stood strong and I kept on breaking myself with my own words said to her. It killed me more than it killed her in past. But, it has definitely changed things…or at least aided her somewhere to get over me…..to become less careful and caring towards me….helped her in staying wid her work only…..
I don’t know, there must be some way to make her strong enough to face it. But, I can only support her once I am able to support myself at least. At this point of time, I am so weak. But, doesn’t matter..I will support her….i will give her the required strength…I will fight for her happiness…till the last drop of blood falls out of my body….yes I will….
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Why ME???
11th DEC 08
A question that has started to Haunt me more and more these days. Why this happens to me? Why do I have to loose every time I try to fight? Why is it that I dream for things, fight for them only to loose them all at the end? I am tired now. I am tired of fighting and losing again and again. Every time I have lifted myself from the rags in an aspiration to fight and win. And every time I have lost. Why am I the one bestowed with so much of despair and pain? And if this was what I was made to go through, why don’t I have courage to fight it?
Why does it happen to me? Why? Why? Why? I don’t harm any body. I don’t want bad of anyone and still I face this? Misery..Failures…Losses…Tears….Why?
I got a reject from London Business School. The chances were really low, with me competing against guys with 6 years of work ex…But I believed, I deserve at least an interview call. Out of the only 2 places I have applied so far, I have one reject and one WL. With such huge money of my parents at stake, I cant take chances with the quality of college I go to. 30 lakhs is by no means a small amount and it would break the back of my parents to arrange it for me. At a time when they should be sitting comfortably at home and me serving them, I would be off to a far off place…I cant compromise on the university…There’s a lot I am doing already. The good univs wont take me in and I wont apply to average ones…Result..I would be stuck in this fucking life of mine….For more pain…for more misery…may be that’s what I deserve and may be that’s why I am living through all this.
Basically, I cant even run away successfully. I cant do anything in this bloody life. Simply, putting it into words, I am not ALLOWED to succeed this time too. I am meant to keep another failure in my books.
Where is my life heading to? This is not the life I wanted to live. A job from where I can be kicked out anytime or transferred to Canada, a streak of loosing applications, no intent to study, lost relations…name a problem and I have it in my life. How am I suppose to carry on with so much burden behind my back? My back aches…It breaks now…Today as I look back on my life, I realise I have only lost in life….starting from the age of 15 to this present age. There are only failures in my life…And it includes all spheres…Entrances, failed businesses, failed relations, failed job….A looser…A born looser.
And then, why is it that I have been ripped off all my vents? Why is it that I don’t have any one to share this thing today? These feelings & circumstances are killing me inside….Am I supposed to go back to my original shell? Locking myself up from the world? The very person who broke those walls to touch my heart is no more there. All of sudden someone started feeling pain because of my love for her….My feelings became “those” feelings for her….and soon she decided to walk away from me..walk away from the very source that gave her that pain…May be it helped her to stay happy…and if it did, I wont complain…It still pains me..and probably would pain throughout, but I wont complain. I would give her what she asked….I wont show her “those” feelings of mine….But, I know I cant kill them…
I had a word with her yesterday…she was happy….and I allowed her to stay happy…added smiles to her….Her voice made me prompt to tell her everything….But, somehow I stopped….And soon she hung up…She had work to do.
I don’t know what would I do next…Everything is so uncertain. There is haze all around…It is the cold “November Rain”…and …
My next step could be an impromptu decision or could be again a well thought of loosing plan…I don’t know….i don’t know where am I going next….
A question that has started to Haunt me more and more these days. Why this happens to me? Why do I have to loose every time I try to fight? Why is it that I dream for things, fight for them only to loose them all at the end? I am tired now. I am tired of fighting and losing again and again. Every time I have lifted myself from the rags in an aspiration to fight and win. And every time I have lost. Why am I the one bestowed with so much of despair and pain? And if this was what I was made to go through, why don’t I have courage to fight it?
Why does it happen to me? Why? Why? Why? I don’t harm any body. I don’t want bad of anyone and still I face this? Misery..Failures…Losses…Tears….Why?
I got a reject from London Business School. The chances were really low, with me competing against guys with 6 years of work ex…But I believed, I deserve at least an interview call. Out of the only 2 places I have applied so far, I have one reject and one WL. With such huge money of my parents at stake, I cant take chances with the quality of college I go to. 30 lakhs is by no means a small amount and it would break the back of my parents to arrange it for me. At a time when they should be sitting comfortably at home and me serving them, I would be off to a far off place…I cant compromise on the university…There’s a lot I am doing already. The good univs wont take me in and I wont apply to average ones…Result..I would be stuck in this fucking life of mine….For more pain…for more misery…may be that’s what I deserve and may be that’s why I am living through all this.
Basically, I cant even run away successfully. I cant do anything in this bloody life. Simply, putting it into words, I am not ALLOWED to succeed this time too. I am meant to keep another failure in my books.
Where is my life heading to? This is not the life I wanted to live. A job from where I can be kicked out anytime or transferred to Canada, a streak of loosing applications, no intent to study, lost relations…name a problem and I have it in my life. How am I suppose to carry on with so much burden behind my back? My back aches…It breaks now…Today as I look back on my life, I realise I have only lost in life….starting from the age of 15 to this present age. There are only failures in my life…And it includes all spheres…Entrances, failed businesses, failed relations, failed job….A looser…A born looser.
And then, why is it that I have been ripped off all my vents? Why is it that I don’t have any one to share this thing today? These feelings & circumstances are killing me inside….Am I supposed to go back to my original shell? Locking myself up from the world? The very person who broke those walls to touch my heart is no more there. All of sudden someone started feeling pain because of my love for her….My feelings became “those” feelings for her….and soon she decided to walk away from me..walk away from the very source that gave her that pain…May be it helped her to stay happy…and if it did, I wont complain…It still pains me..and probably would pain throughout, but I wont complain. I would give her what she asked….I wont show her “those” feelings of mine….But, I know I cant kill them…
I had a word with her yesterday…she was happy….and I allowed her to stay happy…added smiles to her….Her voice made me prompt to tell her everything….But, somehow I stopped….And soon she hung up…She had work to do.
I don’t know what would I do next…Everything is so uncertain. There is haze all around…It is the cold “November Rain”…and …
My next step could be an impromptu decision or could be again a well thought of loosing plan…I don’t know….i don’t know where am I going next….
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I am not Selfish.
17th October 2008:: A day which would otherwise have been normal turned out to be a a big disaster. Sunshine left me. She walked past by me…She moved on. May be it was to happen, but not in this fashion. She said so many things that day on an online chat which I can never forget.
“ IF u love me
den try n undrstnd me
dnt force me
dnt mk me feel guilty
dnt do emotional n all
plz
all dis makes me weak
n i get afctd
if u care for me
love me
den stop dng dis
if u cnt
me: stop doing wat?
den all u care abt is abt urslf
…….
Stop Loving Me“
How could I tell her that I don’t emotionally blackmail her.That has never been the intent I have never wanted to do that and can never think about it. How could I tell her that all that is inside me comes out only in front of her? Otherwise, as always it would stay buried inside me. She was my ONLY source of happiness. A happiness which comes from inside, something that you don’t have to search for. The joy and happiness associated with her presence is not even measurable. How could I tell her that I fell her pain…I cry not because she is not with me…I cry because we CAN’T be together…..I don’t hate her…I hate the thinking of her parents….I hate this stupid system and culture around us…How can I tell her that? May be its too late to tell that now. She already hates my love.
The excerpt above is just a small piece of chat. I don’t even wanna read it in full coz it gives me pain…an unbearable pain…It makes me feel that I am the biggest looser in the world…..The “LOVE” of my life hates my love for her….She wants me to get rid of it….i wish she knew that its not that simple to do….infact its impossible for me to do so…But for a girl, who has never loved anyone outside her family, its more than difficult to feel and understand. And I forgive her for that. No problems with that.
I can take anything…anything in this world….but I cant accept my love being hated and disrespected….it is a very precious ASSET of my life…and I cant forgive anyone who insults it….Not even her….No one has any right whatsoever to insult my love…I can fight for it..I can live for it and I can die for it…..It is something I possess and I am proud of possessing it….It is something that would stay with me..wherever I go…whatever I do…
Whether you hate me or love me…whether you be with me or leave me….this love would stay with me…inside me…no matter what I go through or face…I will always fight to keep this love alive inside me….It will never ever die…I am sorry…I cant give up my love coz she asked…I cant….
I know I can never tell her this….but hope one day she understands this: I am not selfish…No I am not…This heart never wanted to make you cry…it only wanted to make you happy and cheerful…it only knew how to love…it only wanted love in return…not your tears…not your sadness…
I can do anything for my sunshine…and as I promised a month ago, I will make sure I don’t express myself again in front of her…I don’t want her to cry because of me…
OH MY HOLY GOD!!! I give up….I bow against you today….i cant do this…I just cant stop loving her….i still love her….Jaane Anjaane….My subconscious loves her deeply…..I thot I wud stop loving her after hearing all that on that day…but I just cant….
I need your help god…I plead forgiveness for me being aethestic…..
I beg you to give me strength…so that I don’t love her anymore…because this love gives her pain…I don’t want to give her anymore pain….i don’t have the strength to go through all this alone… I need you my god….Please help me…I cant see my own love crying coz of me….i cant live this life in this way…..call me to urself lord….i cant die myself..I promised her I wont…I cant tell her my feelings…I promised her I wont…..Please help me..please kill me…please call me!!
And if you cant do this, then give me the power and endurance to keep this love alive inside me forever….I don’t want this love to die until I die…..
I don’t ask you for her…Please give her someone who can love her as much as I do…Iam not asking for someone who can love her more than me…coz I know no one can….Give her someone who can take care of her as I used to….give her someone who can respect her the way I do….someone who can always keep her happy….someone who’s love she wont hate…..
Send all her tears to me…I will fight them….and I will always shield her from them….
Give her someone…… that can ………….make her ………….forget …..Ankit …………as just a past….
I had almost dropped my plans to go abroad…..but lord, give me strength to take that path on…..i cant give her more pain…..give me strength to go ahead….give me strength to keep sunshine alive inside me always…..give me strength to keep loving her always…unidirectional may be…but I don’t care….I love her…and would always do…
And today, being a greedy man I want you to bless me….My lord…wish me success and luck in achieving my only aim in life now…..
To make “Sunshine Investments Pvt Ltd.” an international success and a household name…I would live to see this dream getting fulfilled…
I pledge today to put my heart, mind and soul into this aim…No matter what I do in short term, this would be my goal in life…..I want to make “My SUNSHINE” famous…very famous….and this……will be a tribute to my love….It will make sure that sunshine lives with me and with my future generations to come…forever!!!!
Bless me god!
“ IF u love me
den try n undrstnd me
dnt force me
dnt mk me feel guilty
dnt do emotional n all
plz
all dis makes me weak
n i get afctd
if u care for me
love me
den stop dng dis
if u cnt
me: stop doing wat?
den all u care abt is abt urslf
…….
Stop Loving Me“
How could I tell her that I don’t emotionally blackmail her.That has never been the intent I have never wanted to do that and can never think about it. How could I tell her that all that is inside me comes out only in front of her? Otherwise, as always it would stay buried inside me. She was my ONLY source of happiness. A happiness which comes from inside, something that you don’t have to search for. The joy and happiness associated with her presence is not even measurable. How could I tell her that I fell her pain…I cry not because she is not with me…I cry because we CAN’T be together…..I don’t hate her…I hate the thinking of her parents….I hate this stupid system and culture around us…How can I tell her that? May be its too late to tell that now. She already hates my love.
The excerpt above is just a small piece of chat. I don’t even wanna read it in full coz it gives me pain…an unbearable pain…It makes me feel that I am the biggest looser in the world…..The “LOVE” of my life hates my love for her….She wants me to get rid of it….i wish she knew that its not that simple to do….infact its impossible for me to do so…But for a girl, who has never loved anyone outside her family, its more than difficult to feel and understand. And I forgive her for that. No problems with that.
I can take anything…anything in this world….but I cant accept my love being hated and disrespected….it is a very precious ASSET of my life…and I cant forgive anyone who insults it….Not even her….No one has any right whatsoever to insult my love…I can fight for it..I can live for it and I can die for it…..It is something I possess and I am proud of possessing it….It is something that would stay with me..wherever I go…whatever I do…
Whether you hate me or love me…whether you be with me or leave me….this love would stay with me…inside me…no matter what I go through or face…I will always fight to keep this love alive inside me….It will never ever die…I am sorry…I cant give up my love coz she asked…I cant….
I know I can never tell her this….but hope one day she understands this: I am not selfish…No I am not…This heart never wanted to make you cry…it only wanted to make you happy and cheerful…it only knew how to love…it only wanted love in return…not your tears…not your sadness…
I can do anything for my sunshine…and as I promised a month ago, I will make sure I don’t express myself again in front of her…I don’t want her to cry because of me…
OH MY HOLY GOD!!! I give up….I bow against you today….i cant do this…I just cant stop loving her….i still love her….Jaane Anjaane….My subconscious loves her deeply…..I thot I wud stop loving her after hearing all that on that day…but I just cant….
I need your help god…I plead forgiveness for me being aethestic…..
I beg you to give me strength…so that I don’t love her anymore…because this love gives her pain…I don’t want to give her anymore pain….i don’t have the strength to go through all this alone… I need you my god….Please help me…I cant see my own love crying coz of me….i cant live this life in this way…..call me to urself lord….i cant die myself..I promised her I wont…I cant tell her my feelings…I promised her I wont…..Please help me..please kill me…please call me!!
And if you cant do this, then give me the power and endurance to keep this love alive inside me forever….I don’t want this love to die until I die…..
I don’t ask you for her…Please give her someone who can love her as much as I do…Iam not asking for someone who can love her more than me…coz I know no one can….Give her someone who can take care of her as I used to….give her someone who can respect her the way I do….someone who can always keep her happy….someone who’s love she wont hate…..
Send all her tears to me…I will fight them….and I will always shield her from them….
Give her someone…… that can ………….make her ………….forget …..Ankit …………as just a past….
I had almost dropped my plans to go abroad…..but lord, give me strength to take that path on…..i cant give her more pain…..give me strength to go ahead….give me strength to keep sunshine alive inside me always…..give me strength to keep loving her always…unidirectional may be…but I don’t care….I love her…and would always do…
And today, being a greedy man I want you to bless me….My lord…wish me success and luck in achieving my only aim in life now…..
To make “Sunshine Investments Pvt Ltd.” an international success and a household name…I would live to see this dream getting fulfilled…
I pledge today to put my heart, mind and soul into this aim…No matter what I do in short term, this would be my goal in life…..I want to make “My SUNSHINE” famous…very famous….and this……will be a tribute to my love….It will make sure that sunshine lives with me and with my future generations to come…forever!!!!
Bless me god!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Diary Entry..8th october
Im writing this entry with a very heavy heart.Something which I alwaysthought not to be true is now a reality. Things between me n sunshine have reallychanged beyond imaginable dimensions. No matter how much I try to accept the factthat she is just busy, dats not the case. Her prirorty has always been her workas displayed by her past behavior in college and wid a new college ,she has again pproved it to be true. She has become much more adamant about her thinkin now.She complains that I dont understand her schedule, she complains that I dont call her upbut she has never thought over the fact that its always me who msgs her to initiate any kind of conversation. The only time that she msgd me was in the week after a heated debate over my health. Otherwise there have been so many msgsthat have not been replied for(and I am talkin about normal msgs),so many conversations left in between...and I...have been waiting like stupids for all those answers. It is high time that I accept the fact that she is just too too busy with her work and more importantlyher work is her priorty....over everything....If this is what she calls staying in touch,I wonder what could be staying out of touch...
It was a normal Tuesday and I started off my day normally. My last msg to her wason Saturday...which hasnt been replied yet...and msg was just asking her to let me help herwith her work....but no reply till tuesday morning....before saturday, our last conversation wason wednesday evening..which again ended when she stopped replying to a normal set of msgs....perhaps...as usual...she was TOO BUSY...The day wud have passed off normally....but something very unusual happened that day.I have a colleague in office named Amit.Ever since I have come to Delhi,he has been a good company to me...more because of the fact that out work is very interlinked....He has a family of four with a younger sister...It was just after the lunch that he recd a call from his mom,askin him toreach to his dad'd office..citing reason as dad's poor health....he was so tensed all of a sudden...he had told me about a day back only that his father is not doing too well....and today was ASTHMI...da last of navratrasand his dad has kept a fast along with the whole family....I asked him to relax and offered him to accompany him as he was very tensed.We left the office within next 10 mins and reached Udyog Bhavan in bout 15 mins time.The place was very close to my Dad's office and I thought I'll visit dad before going back to my office. BUt, there was something else waiting to greet us.....
As we closed down to the office building, we saw a huge crowd gathered outside the office complex....I dont know what all was he able to see as he was the pillion rider....but from my view,I could easily see a Police Van near the crowd.However, we had to enter from the gate which wasabout 200 meters before the crowd. As I took a left to enter the gate, he said, just park yourbike here and got off the bike to ask for his dad's office..We were told that we are supposed to go straight before turning left for a lift to be taken for 5th floor.We had barely walked about 100 meters, when an old gentleman intercepted us and asked him,"are you the son of mr kathuria?"...the answer from his side was affirmative...Amit asked...kya hua uncle?He didnt say anything and kept walking ahead after asking us to follow him...We were definately moving towards his dad's office..The Lift was already in sight and I knew that we'll be turning left now..But that old man kept on moving straight and turned right to come out of a black gate, a similar one from which we entered...We were now definately moving closer to the same crowd that I had seen...My heartwas beatin faster now....it was almost evident that his dad was not well and may be he is being taken to hospital....As we moved closer,the crowd parted and I realised we are not moving towards the ambulance, but somewhere in between..It was not too long before we found his dad lying in a pool of blood on the road.
I cant even describe what I went through at that moment...Amit was inconsolable....it took a coordinated effort for several policemen topull him out of his father's body....I have known his father personaly as well...It was during his bday party that I had met him at his home and his father impressed me a lot...he was a man of substance and a very cheerful manbut, the same man was lying motionless in front of my eyes with blood all around him....
It definately didnt seem to be an accident to me..for, there were 2 cars which were parked and his body was lying in between the parked cars...Soon,one of the police guy came to me and asked me who am I? I was scared like hell...not because there was police around,but because of the factthat I was surrounded by such a situation....I answerd saying I am a frnd of Amit..after a few more questions in his strict and crisp voice,the cop's voice dropped a little..and he said
"He has committed suicide!!!"
This was the last thing that was proably left in the day to make it a really bad day...I asked him..
"any note?any reasons?".."none as of now"..he replied..
I moved closer to where Amit was inconsolably crying...I had to tell him this....May be thats what the cop wanted..and he told me first before telling AM....He grapped my hand with all his force askin, what was cop saying....I had to tell him...
"Your dad jumped off window of his room on the 5th floor"
He was too shocked to say a word....There was a helplessness on his face...I wondered what was going thru his mind...he seemed so blank for a second....not a word was said by him...n he almost went mum,before tears rolled out again from his eyes....He hugged me tightly....and kept on cryin....
It was not too late that his mom arrived there...What all happened after that is something that I cant even write...I was feeling so down...so helpless....so strange...I cant pen down what all I went thru at that point of time....Hours passed by and the cops kept onperforming their duties...Statements of various passerbys were being noted etc etc...His other family membershad arrived my then...his chacha etc...they were all taking care of things around...
I was standing still near a car, just looking at the affair of the things, when I heard "Ankit"...I turned around and saw my dad around....Amit's father and my father somehow knew each other being in a closeoffice complex....he actually saw my bike parked near the building and came here looking for me....after I dint answer my cell phone...I cudnt control my tears seeing my dad around....I was not in a position to say anything....
Soon, the dead body was put into ambulance.It was supposedly to be sent to post mortem now....Amit and his family followed it in their cars, while I came to dad's office...I was still absent minded and quiet...trying to take hold of what has happened with me in last 4-5 hours....Dad adviced me not to drive today and travel with himin car to home....He arraqnged for my bike bein parked in office premises overnite and we left for home by about 5PM...I guess dad took an early leave from office to accompany me home....
Even after reaching home, I was not feeling well...I wanted to cry maybe...or wanted to share everythingwith someone...to lighten up myself....I took out my cellphone to do precisely that...There were some missed calls from megi...i dont know when she called...The next thing I did was dialled the number of Sunshine....I so much wanted to hear her voice....It was already long since I had my last word with her...and this whole episode had hit me like a missile...The bell rang and I waited for her to pick up her phone...The phone went unanswered....I dialled again....Complete rings....and the phone was unanswered....Perhaps...she was BUSY!!!!!
It was not untill evening of next day that I got a call from her....And that too was a formal call...she didnt had timeeven then...she was switching clases and bothered to call me in between..our conversation lasted for precisly 2 mins and 30 secsout of which, she spent more than half of the time talkin to some FRIEND of her in the class(putting me on hold)...
In the remaining time, all she said was her stereotype sentences and words....She had to gofor some event meeting..And even before I could say anything...the call was over....
Perhaps...She was too busy!!!
I still remember how she supported me when Priyanka's dad expired....and I know she would have done that again,may be not in the same fashion..but yes,she would have been there....but only if she had time to hear me..only if she had time out of her work....only if she had time..to console me....
Its dusshera tommorw....I will have to go for the cremation of uncle...whole india would celebrate....but Amit's familyhas lost all reasons to smile back....The very god on which he trusted him so much has taken away his dad....
ANd for me...it has been 2 hard days for me...I spent a motionless day in the office today...I still remember the eagerness with which I picked up Sunshine's phone....may be I wanted to say so much to her...but never got a chance!!!!
But its high time that I accept that she is no more there....I have to start coping with all my problems myself...I have to sttart living with her absence....or perhaps try not to die in her absence....
Perhaps....she is too busy!!!!
I know I wudnt be sharing this episode with anyone now....It will die inside me only....The images of that incident are stil hauntin me...
It was a normal Tuesday and I started off my day normally. My last msg to her wason Saturday...which hasnt been replied yet...and msg was just asking her to let me help herwith her work....but no reply till tuesday morning....before saturday, our last conversation wason wednesday evening..which again ended when she stopped replying to a normal set of msgs....perhaps...as usual...she was TOO BUSY...The day wud have passed off normally....but something very unusual happened that day.I have a colleague in office named Amit.Ever since I have come to Delhi,he has been a good company to me...more because of the fact that out work is very interlinked....He has a family of four with a younger sister...It was just after the lunch that he recd a call from his mom,askin him toreach to his dad'd office..citing reason as dad's poor health....he was so tensed all of a sudden...he had told me about a day back only that his father is not doing too well....and today was ASTHMI...da last of navratrasand his dad has kept a fast along with the whole family....I asked him to relax and offered him to accompany him as he was very tensed.We left the office within next 10 mins and reached Udyog Bhavan in bout 15 mins time.The place was very close to my Dad's office and I thought I'll visit dad before going back to my office. BUt, there was something else waiting to greet us.....
As we closed down to the office building, we saw a huge crowd gathered outside the office complex....I dont know what all was he able to see as he was the pillion rider....but from my view,I could easily see a Police Van near the crowd.However, we had to enter from the gate which wasabout 200 meters before the crowd. As I took a left to enter the gate, he said, just park yourbike here and got off the bike to ask for his dad's office..We were told that we are supposed to go straight before turning left for a lift to be taken for 5th floor.We had barely walked about 100 meters, when an old gentleman intercepted us and asked him,"are you the son of mr kathuria?"...the answer from his side was affirmative...Amit asked...kya hua uncle?He didnt say anything and kept walking ahead after asking us to follow him...We were definately moving towards his dad's office..The Lift was already in sight and I knew that we'll be turning left now..But that old man kept on moving straight and turned right to come out of a black gate, a similar one from which we entered...We were now definately moving closer to the same crowd that I had seen...My heartwas beatin faster now....it was almost evident that his dad was not well and may be he is being taken to hospital....As we moved closer,the crowd parted and I realised we are not moving towards the ambulance, but somewhere in between..It was not too long before we found his dad lying in a pool of blood on the road.
I cant even describe what I went through at that moment...Amit was inconsolable....it took a coordinated effort for several policemen topull him out of his father's body....I have known his father personaly as well...It was during his bday party that I had met him at his home and his father impressed me a lot...he was a man of substance and a very cheerful manbut, the same man was lying motionless in front of my eyes with blood all around him....
It definately didnt seem to be an accident to me..for, there were 2 cars which were parked and his body was lying in between the parked cars...Soon,one of the police guy came to me and asked me who am I? I was scared like hell...not because there was police around,but because of the factthat I was surrounded by such a situation....I answerd saying I am a frnd of Amit..after a few more questions in his strict and crisp voice,the cop's voice dropped a little..and he said
"He has committed suicide!!!"
This was the last thing that was proably left in the day to make it a really bad day...I asked him..
"any note?any reasons?".."none as of now"..he replied..
I moved closer to where Amit was inconsolably crying...I had to tell him this....May be thats what the cop wanted..and he told me first before telling AM....He grapped my hand with all his force askin, what was cop saying....I had to tell him...
"Your dad jumped off window of his room on the 5th floor"
He was too shocked to say a word....There was a helplessness on his face...I wondered what was going thru his mind...he seemed so blank for a second....not a word was said by him...n he almost went mum,before tears rolled out again from his eyes....He hugged me tightly....and kept on cryin....
It was not too late that his mom arrived there...What all happened after that is something that I cant even write...I was feeling so down...so helpless....so strange...I cant pen down what all I went thru at that point of time....Hours passed by and the cops kept onperforming their duties...Statements of various passerbys were being noted etc etc...His other family membershad arrived my then...his chacha etc...they were all taking care of things around...
I was standing still near a car, just looking at the affair of the things, when I heard "Ankit"...I turned around and saw my dad around....Amit's father and my father somehow knew each other being in a closeoffice complex....he actually saw my bike parked near the building and came here looking for me....after I dint answer my cell phone...I cudnt control my tears seeing my dad around....I was not in a position to say anything....
Soon, the dead body was put into ambulance.It was supposedly to be sent to post mortem now....Amit and his family followed it in their cars, while I came to dad's office...I was still absent minded and quiet...trying to take hold of what has happened with me in last 4-5 hours....Dad adviced me not to drive today and travel with himin car to home....He arraqnged for my bike bein parked in office premises overnite and we left for home by about 5PM...I guess dad took an early leave from office to accompany me home....
Even after reaching home, I was not feeling well...I wanted to cry maybe...or wanted to share everythingwith someone...to lighten up myself....I took out my cellphone to do precisely that...There were some missed calls from megi...i dont know when she called...The next thing I did was dialled the number of Sunshine....I so much wanted to hear her voice....It was already long since I had my last word with her...and this whole episode had hit me like a missile...The bell rang and I waited for her to pick up her phone...The phone went unanswered....I dialled again....Complete rings....and the phone was unanswered....Perhaps...she was BUSY!!!!!
It was not untill evening of next day that I got a call from her....And that too was a formal call...she didnt had timeeven then...she was switching clases and bothered to call me in between..our conversation lasted for precisly 2 mins and 30 secsout of which, she spent more than half of the time talkin to some FRIEND of her in the class(putting me on hold)...
In the remaining time, all she said was her stereotype sentences and words....She had to gofor some event meeting..And even before I could say anything...the call was over....
Perhaps...She was too busy!!!
I still remember how she supported me when Priyanka's dad expired....and I know she would have done that again,may be not in the same fashion..but yes,she would have been there....but only if she had time to hear me..only if she had time out of her work....only if she had time..to console me....
Its dusshera tommorw....I will have to go for the cremation of uncle...whole india would celebrate....but Amit's familyhas lost all reasons to smile back....The very god on which he trusted him so much has taken away his dad....
ANd for me...it has been 2 hard days for me...I spent a motionless day in the office today...I still remember the eagerness with which I picked up Sunshine's phone....may be I wanted to say so much to her...but never got a chance!!!!
But its high time that I accept that she is no more there....I have to start coping with all my problems myself...I have to sttart living with her absence....or perhaps try not to die in her absence....
Perhaps....she is too busy!!!!
I know I wudnt be sharing this episode with anyone now....It will die inside me only....The images of that incident are stil hauntin me...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Diary entry..30th september
Its Over…or should I say It has begun…. Its late night of 30th September & I have met the deadline for Haas’s MFE program. In case, this is the program that I am going to, I have not even 6 months left in India. Come to think of it…about 3 months ago, I had no plans of doing it…and suddenly today, I find myself in the middle of such an impromptu situation. Last 20 days have been hectic….or should I say more than hectic.
I wrote IELTS on Saturday the 27th September. It was a hectic day. I was running fever because of my last weekend’s throat infection. The centre for my test was far off..Mathura Road,near badarpur, a journey of about 35Kms from my home. The schedule wasn’t too good either..i had a 4 hour test from 1215noon till 415 Pm and den a 5 hour break before an interview at 9PM. The place was too far off to go anywhere during the break. I had initially thought of going to chachaji’s place..but that didn’t work out. The test started on time and in the very first hour of my test I realised that my health is not supporting me too well. I had concealed this info from my parents, otherwise they would have come all the way with me to the test centre. I couldn’t have done that to them. Somehow, I managed to sit through the test, which ended sharp at 430. The interviews were scheduled to start in an hour…I had to try my luck at the starting of interviews to get my interview preponed before 9PM as I knew, it would be more than difficult for me to sustain by then. I switched on my cellphone to find 2 msgs from sunshine saying “u safe na?”. I was puzzled and replied saying “y wat happened?”….the msg didn’t deliver I guess on time….Meanwhile, I called Pa..he asked me about the test and stuff and advised me not to go out of the test centre and stuff. This advice came as a shock to me. My parents don’t advice this way to me and Im usually allowed to take decisions. Anyways, I took their advice and sat under a tree in the compound where the Test building was. I had some fruits to eat, but didn’t feel like eating them. Soon, megi called up and it was almost 530 when she hung up. The process of roll call for interviews had begun on 2nd floor of the same building by the time I entered the hall meant for interviews. On having a word with the co-ordinator, I realised that I might have to wait at least until 8 Pm for my interview. I had no choice but to wait.
It was about 6Pm that sunshine replied, telling me that there have been Bomb Blasts in Mehraulli.She had probably entered home after a short day in college. I understood the reason of my parents advice immediately. Sunshine asked me over the msg that where I am and I told her that I was out. She sent a small reply saying u out in fever?y?crazy or wat?. I replied saying Iam fine and don’t worry. She replied saying take care and go home soon.tc
That was all. She dint even bother to ask me where I am and what am I doing? That was not the way she used to be. Hardly 4-5 months ago, she would have made sure she knows where I am and what am I doing in fever outside my home. But, things have changed now. For her, staying it touch means asking once in a day through a message, “hi!hows ur fever?”….Had it been someone else doing this to me, I would have been happy and content that someone is bothering to ask me that much as no one has ever bothered that much, except her. But, wid sunshine my expectations have always been high…and more so because these things never happened in past. I still don’t doubt her intent…I know she must be concerned about me, but her work has changed her attitude so much. And sometimes I feel its good for me only…I don’t have to lie to her too much. Had she been the same sunshine dat I knew, I would have had a tough time hiding my activities. Also, her presence would have made me tell her everything by myself. I have never hidden any of my activites from her after all.Its her absence which has helped me hide things from her. For ex: dat day, if she wud have drilled me for info, like da way she used to, I would have to lie a lot. And I don’t even know whether I wud have been able to hide it or not. But dat all is past. The point is she never asked and I never told. At times I feel that my health and well being is all what matters to her. She just wants to see me fine in terms of health and life. What I do? Where I go?Why I do? Etc etc never bothers her. SO much unlike me….for me all these things matter a lot..and may be dats why I hurt myself so much….at least she saves herself from that!!!
I can quote another incidence…of just the next day..but this blog is not anti her…its just a way for me to write down my feelings…. and so,that incidence wud stay with me only....
Finally the interview took place at 8 PM. I had called my parents askin bout da blast after she msgd me da details….my bua lives in mehrauli and I wanted to know the well being of the family….I spent da rest 2 hours sitting in the hall…I dint even had my medicine that day…and dere was no place around to go and buy it….I had no choice but to wait patiently in the hall….in the fever….i had to do it…and I did it…
I finally reached home at 930 PM..and crashed into the bed….I knew another hectic day was waiting for me…Sunday, which otherwise is a holiday for everyone, was the day on which I had to get my video recorded in the studio. This video was required to be sent to the university and I knew I cant take it lightly.
I woke up early at 7AM to start my work. The medicine of night had worked and I was not having fever. Within 2 hours I came with the final draft of my PPT and started practising it. The events kept on happening back to back and I finally landed back home at about 4PM. I was scheduled to pick up my CD at 7PM. I had the first meal of my day at 4PM and got a harsh scolding from my mother….The fever was touching 102.5 now...highest in past week.....
At precise 710 PM I reched the studio and it was then when I recd a msg from her asking hows ur health?..same 3 words again…..I dint knew how to react to it…..I replied saying fine….the next reply came in after an hour….she wanted to knw wats up wid me and I said…”u r so busy wid ur wrk.u replyn after an hour….tu kya sunegi and kya batayegi…apna kaam karle yaar…n fyi I jst entered home”
After dat we had a small argument in which she said sorry…I was confused y is she sayin sorry…for replyn late or for being busy…wen I asked her, she said “u know it”…I said I don’t n I am confused……dere was no reply from her then….i msgd her a lil later telling her that I was serious and was confused too….I dint get a reply from her!!!! The day ended….with a wait…of an unprobable reply….
Monday morning, I woke up in 102 fever again…I was in no position to go to office…My whole body was aching and I was so drained of energy…..I had no choice but to take a leave and sleep at home….It was evening by the time I came back to my senses….almost 7 PM…..and to my expected surprise, there was still no reply from her…..It was not until Tuesday morning that I recd the same 3 words again….”Hi! how r u?”…I couldn’t take it anymore…..I replied saying fine.thanks….to which I recd a reply…”ok.good day.tc”..n I din’t knew what to reply to this indifference of her….
Things have changed…..
She says I don’t appreciate anything that she does…may be she is right…..and probably the reason is I expect so much from her…….only from her…..and dats y it hurts when she is not around……and I am a different man when I am hurt….May be Its my fault only….she sees me as her friend….only as a friend…..and people do make new friends in their life as they go ahead…..its only difficult to love again….
Its my fault that I love her…Its my fault that I expect so much….But I still cant help it….my heart chooses to cry..rather than bringing down the expectations!!!!
Silly fellow after all…biggest looser in the world!!!
I wrote IELTS on Saturday the 27th September. It was a hectic day. I was running fever because of my last weekend’s throat infection. The centre for my test was far off..Mathura Road,near badarpur, a journey of about 35Kms from my home. The schedule wasn’t too good either..i had a 4 hour test from 1215noon till 415 Pm and den a 5 hour break before an interview at 9PM. The place was too far off to go anywhere during the break. I had initially thought of going to chachaji’s place..but that didn’t work out. The test started on time and in the very first hour of my test I realised that my health is not supporting me too well. I had concealed this info from my parents, otherwise they would have come all the way with me to the test centre. I couldn’t have done that to them. Somehow, I managed to sit through the test, which ended sharp at 430. The interviews were scheduled to start in an hour…I had to try my luck at the starting of interviews to get my interview preponed before 9PM as I knew, it would be more than difficult for me to sustain by then. I switched on my cellphone to find 2 msgs from sunshine saying “u safe na?”. I was puzzled and replied saying “y wat happened?”….the msg didn’t deliver I guess on time….Meanwhile, I called Pa..he asked me about the test and stuff and advised me not to go out of the test centre and stuff. This advice came as a shock to me. My parents don’t advice this way to me and Im usually allowed to take decisions. Anyways, I took their advice and sat under a tree in the compound where the Test building was. I had some fruits to eat, but didn’t feel like eating them. Soon, megi called up and it was almost 530 when she hung up. The process of roll call for interviews had begun on 2nd floor of the same building by the time I entered the hall meant for interviews. On having a word with the co-ordinator, I realised that I might have to wait at least until 8 Pm for my interview. I had no choice but to wait.
It was about 6Pm that sunshine replied, telling me that there have been Bomb Blasts in Mehraulli.She had probably entered home after a short day in college. I understood the reason of my parents advice immediately. Sunshine asked me over the msg that where I am and I told her that I was out. She sent a small reply saying u out in fever?y?crazy or wat?. I replied saying Iam fine and don’t worry. She replied saying take care and go home soon.tc
That was all. She dint even bother to ask me where I am and what am I doing? That was not the way she used to be. Hardly 4-5 months ago, she would have made sure she knows where I am and what am I doing in fever outside my home. But, things have changed now. For her, staying it touch means asking once in a day through a message, “hi!hows ur fever?”….Had it been someone else doing this to me, I would have been happy and content that someone is bothering to ask me that much as no one has ever bothered that much, except her. But, wid sunshine my expectations have always been high…and more so because these things never happened in past. I still don’t doubt her intent…I know she must be concerned about me, but her work has changed her attitude so much. And sometimes I feel its good for me only…I don’t have to lie to her too much. Had she been the same sunshine dat I knew, I would have had a tough time hiding my activities. Also, her presence would have made me tell her everything by myself. I have never hidden any of my activites from her after all.Its her absence which has helped me hide things from her. For ex: dat day, if she wud have drilled me for info, like da way she used to, I would have to lie a lot. And I don’t even know whether I wud have been able to hide it or not. But dat all is past. The point is she never asked and I never told. At times I feel that my health and well being is all what matters to her. She just wants to see me fine in terms of health and life. What I do? Where I go?Why I do? Etc etc never bothers her. SO much unlike me….for me all these things matter a lot..and may be dats why I hurt myself so much….at least she saves herself from that!!!
I can quote another incidence…of just the next day..but this blog is not anti her…its just a way for me to write down my feelings…. and so,that incidence wud stay with me only....
Finally the interview took place at 8 PM. I had called my parents askin bout da blast after she msgd me da details….my bua lives in mehrauli and I wanted to know the well being of the family….I spent da rest 2 hours sitting in the hall…I dint even had my medicine that day…and dere was no place around to go and buy it….I had no choice but to wait patiently in the hall….in the fever….i had to do it…and I did it…
I finally reached home at 930 PM..and crashed into the bed….I knew another hectic day was waiting for me…Sunday, which otherwise is a holiday for everyone, was the day on which I had to get my video recorded in the studio. This video was required to be sent to the university and I knew I cant take it lightly.
I woke up early at 7AM to start my work. The medicine of night had worked and I was not having fever. Within 2 hours I came with the final draft of my PPT and started practising it. The events kept on happening back to back and I finally landed back home at about 4PM. I was scheduled to pick up my CD at 7PM. I had the first meal of my day at 4PM and got a harsh scolding from my mother….The fever was touching 102.5 now...highest in past week.....
At precise 710 PM I reched the studio and it was then when I recd a msg from her asking hows ur health?..same 3 words again…..I dint knew how to react to it…..I replied saying fine….the next reply came in after an hour….she wanted to knw wats up wid me and I said…”u r so busy wid ur wrk.u replyn after an hour….tu kya sunegi and kya batayegi…apna kaam karle yaar…n fyi I jst entered home”
After dat we had a small argument in which she said sorry…I was confused y is she sayin sorry…for replyn late or for being busy…wen I asked her, she said “u know it”…I said I don’t n I am confused……dere was no reply from her then….i msgd her a lil later telling her that I was serious and was confused too….I dint get a reply from her!!!! The day ended….with a wait…of an unprobable reply….
Monday morning, I woke up in 102 fever again…I was in no position to go to office…My whole body was aching and I was so drained of energy…..I had no choice but to take a leave and sleep at home….It was evening by the time I came back to my senses….almost 7 PM…..and to my expected surprise, there was still no reply from her…..It was not until Tuesday morning that I recd the same 3 words again….”Hi! how r u?”…I couldn’t take it anymore…..I replied saying fine.thanks….to which I recd a reply…”ok.good day.tc”..n I din’t knew what to reply to this indifference of her….
Things have changed…..
She says I don’t appreciate anything that she does…may be she is right…..and probably the reason is I expect so much from her…….only from her…..and dats y it hurts when she is not around……and I am a different man when I am hurt….May be Its my fault only….she sees me as her friend….only as a friend…..and people do make new friends in their life as they go ahead…..its only difficult to love again….
Its my fault that I love her…Its my fault that I expect so much….But I still cant help it….my heart chooses to cry..rather than bringing down the expectations!!!!
Silly fellow after all…biggest looser in the world!!!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Diary Entry..17th Sept
Life has taken a hair pin turn all of a sudden. As if it was not enough for me to cope up with my GMAT that I receive this. Life, has started moving on an all together different path. It was Wednesday the 10th of September. What could have ended up as a pretty ordinary day turned out to be more than eventful. I was checking out sites of various univs abroad for more info about the finance courses, when by chance I visited the site of HAAS once again. It was 14th of august, when my hopes of going to haas in 2009 were dashed. Because it was on this day only that I discovered that they have a March intake, deadline for which was expiring on 1st September. I still remember, I didn’t sleep that night cause for a moment it seemed to me that the whole idea of me applying n going abroad would fall into pieces and I would fail yet again in my life. But, life had something else planned for me. As I opened the site on 10th September, I discovered that the deadline had been extended to October 1st. For a moment I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing. I had given up all hopes on going to HAAS. Particularly because I couldn’t and wouldn’t wanna wait till March 2010, even though it is the best program to go to in US. And all of a sudden, I maybe had a chance to take a shot at march 2009 intake. And 20 days was all I had to try. I was not even sure whether I would even be able to manage it. There was so much to do…Essays, Recos, Presentation and TOEFL. I haven’t even started yet and there in front of my eyes stood an opportunity..testing me yet again in my life. I decided to give it a shot and immediately swung into action. I started contacting people, counselling houses, opened my online application and initiated the process. I don’t even know how good are my chances, for this univ has an avg work ex of 4 years…and I will have only 1.75 in case I go in march 2009. Leaving the thought aside, I went ahead, without thinking of the result. It was by the evening that a new thought crossed my mind and made me stand still…at a crossroad. The session would start on 24th march,2009 and that means, I would miss sunshine’s bday. I already have some plans to make her this bday most special. For all you know, I might not be even able to see her again in life, let alone wish her happy bday. I don’t know why my mind thought about such plans….but it did…long back….even before I decided to run away….I don’t know what to do…What’s more important for me? Of course she was the answer….then y r u running away was the next question? Coz I don’t wanna loose her….but you are doing that by going away…..may be ..I don’t know.
It has become really hectic these days. I have started taking classes for IELTS, which are held everyday from 7-10PM. I go to classes straight from my office and reach home by 10:30 or so. The day ends soon and next day begins too soon to even put me back on track…7AM next morning I wake up and follow the same schedule. I have lost the count of places I have visited in last week or so in this regard.
But that’s not all the change. Megi is going to trivandrum for at least a month on 24th September for her TCS training. In the recent past, she has been the only person who has supported me whenever she felt I needed someone to shoulder. It is all together a different story that she is able to judge that not even 10% of the times and am successful in hiding most of the times. Im gonna miss talking to her so much. We almost talk daily these days. I don’t know how many times I have shouted at her for no rhyme and reason. I just wish that she gets what she has been wanting for so long in her life.
And of course….my brother is going to aussie in about 26 hours from now. We are gonna be one member short for some time now. I have seen tears in mom’s eyes all through the week. It is so brave of her to allow me as well to go abroad…..My parents are gonna be all alone if I also go…this very thought stops me at times…makes me wanna stay back….in my mom’s arms….but I don’t know why I still keep moving on…may be im devoid of all the emotions…I have turned into a running machine….who knows only one thing…to succeed….But is it really a success that I am chasing? Or is it gonna be the biggest failure of my life, for which I’ll be throwing parties and getting appreciation?
Im racing against time….to beat myself…
Im fighting hard…….to defeat myself….
I don’t know what this race would bring to me,
But for the time being, Im keeping it all to myself….
Sunshine is busy as she has been in past few months and these days she is having her exams. And last time she even banged the phone on my face. I called her back thinking that it was a network problem, but it wasn’t...I shouted back at her and banged the phone back. I felt so bad after doing it. I didn’t speak a single word after that in office. And, when I stopped my bike at my home, my eyes were red….I have cried all the way to home….Asking myself again and again not to do so…But I just couldn’t control myself….I remember once megi did dis to me..and I didn’t talk to her for at least 3 days..even after her repeated sorries.....…for me..it is an insult…..Intentional or unintentional….i don’t like this….but I cant stay angry from my love….I miss her every second of my day….she is always on my mind when I go about my application process…I don’t know what I am doing or why Im doing this….
I just know one thing…
I still……love her
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