I am not Selfish.

17th October 2008:: A day which would otherwise have been normal turned out to be a a big disaster. Sunshine left me. She walked past by me…She moved on. May be it was to happen, but not in this fashion. She said so many things that day on an online chat which I can never forget.

“ IF u love me
den try n undrstnd me
dnt force me
dnt mk me feel guilty
dnt do emotional n all
plz
all dis makes me weak
n i get afctd
if u care for me
love me
den stop dng dis
if u cnt
me: stop doing wat?
den all u care abt is abt urslf
…….

Stop Loving Me“



How could I tell her that I don’t emotionally blackmail her.That has never been the intent I have never wanted to do that and can never think about it. How could I tell her that all that is inside me comes out only in front of her? Otherwise, as always it would stay buried inside me. She was my ONLY source of happiness. A happiness which comes from inside, something that you don’t have to search for. The joy and happiness associated with her presence is not even measurable. How could I tell her that I fell her pain…I cry not because she is not with me…I cry because we CAN’T be together…..I don’t hate her…I hate the thinking of her parents….I hate this stupid system and culture around us…How can I tell her that? May be its too late to tell that now. She already hates my love.

The excerpt above is just a small piece of chat. I don’t even wanna read it in full coz it gives me pain…an unbearable pain…It makes me feel that I am the biggest looser in the world…..The “LOVE” of my life hates my love for her….She wants me to get rid of it….i wish she knew that its not that simple to do….infact its impossible for me to do so…But for a girl, who has never loved anyone outside her family, its more than difficult to feel and understand. And I forgive her for that. No problems with that.

I can take anything…anything in this world….but I cant accept my love being hated and disrespected….it is a very precious ASSET of my life…and I cant forgive anyone who insults it….Not even her….No one has any right whatsoever to insult my love…I can fight for it..I can live for it and I can die for it…..It is something I possess and I am proud of possessing it….It is something that would stay with me..wherever I go…whatever I do…

Whether you hate me or love me…whether you be with me or leave me….this love would stay with me…inside me…no matter what I go through or face…I will always fight to keep this love alive inside me….It will never ever die…I am sorry…I cant give up my love coz she asked…I cant….
I know I can never tell her this….but hope one day she understands this: I am not selfish…No I am not…This heart never wanted to make you cry…it only wanted to make you happy and cheerful…it only knew how to love…it only wanted love in return…not your tears…not your sadness…
I can do anything for my sunshine…and as I promised a month ago, I will make sure I don’t express myself again in front of her…I don’t want her to cry because of me…


























OH MY HOLY GOD!!! I give up….I bow against you today….i cant do this…I just cant stop loving her….i still love her….Jaane Anjaane….My subconscious loves her deeply…..I thot I wud stop loving her after hearing all that on that day…but I just cant….
I need your help god…I plead forgiveness for me being aethestic…..
I beg you to give me strength…so that I don’t love her anymore…because this love gives her pain…I don’t want to give her anymore pain….i don’t have the strength to go through all this alone… I need you my god….Please help me…I cant see my own love crying coz of me….i cant live this life in this way…..call me to urself lord….i cant die myself..I promised her I wont…I cant tell her my feelings…I promised her I wont…..Please help me..please kill me…please call me!!
And if you cant do this, then give me the power and endurance to keep this love alive inside me forever….I don’t want this love to die until I die…..
I don’t ask you for her…Please give her someone who can love her as much as I do…Iam not asking for someone who can love her more than me…coz I know no one can….Give her someone who can take care of her as I used to….give her someone who can respect her the way I do….someone who can always keep her happy….someone who’s love she wont hate…..

Send all her tears to me…I will fight them….and I will always shield her from them….

Give her someone…… that can ………….make her ………….forget …..Ankit …………as just a past….


I had almost dropped my plans to go abroad…..but lord, give me strength to take that path on…..i cant give her more pain…..give me strength to go ahead….give me strength to keep sunshine alive inside me always…..give me strength to keep loving her always…unidirectional may be…but I don’t care….I love her…and would always do…

And today, being a greedy man I want you to bless me….My lord…wish me success and luck in achieving my only aim in life now…..

To make “Sunshine Investments Pvt Ltd.” an international success and a household name…I would live to see this dream getting fulfilled…
I pledge today to put my heart, mind and soul into this aim…No matter what I do in short term, this would be my goal in life…..I want to make “My SUNSHINE” famous…very famous….and this……will be a tribute to my love….It will make sure that sunshine lives with me and with my future generations to come…forever!!!!

Bless me god!