I am Sorry

“I am Sorry. I am sorry for hurting you so much. I don’t know what happens to me when I am in anger. And often it has happened that I have taken steps in anger that I have later regretted. Though this anger lasts for a really small time, but I guess it does all the damage in that little impulse. I just want to see you happy. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. And no matter how much I try to keep things within myself, I end up spilling everything. It hurts me more than it hurts you. And numerous times I have punished myself for such behaviour and still it doesn’t go away. I don’t know what’s the problem with me? Or as a matter of fact with my heart? It just doesn’t accept any rational. It loves you madly even when mind shows it the truth and reality. It acts foolishly, brining me to anger even when the mind tells everything is fine. I need you to be with me. Its amazing how an animal like me changes into a human being in your presence. It really changes things around. Its magical what your presence do to me. The very feeling of your presence makes the life so easy to live and so easy to fight with. I get this courage to keep winning, to keep living. And even then, I spoil every second of your presence. May be because its never enough for me. My love is insatiable and wants more. Its as selfish as it can get and instead ends up loosing everything that it can get. I am sorry for what all I said to you today. I hope to make some amends to it tomorrow with a very special sorry. But, believe me, I am as sorry as some one can be. I know it would be hard for you to sleep tonite with my words piercing you…I just wish I could have been there to catch every tear of you before it drops. It was Christmas and look what I did to you. I am sorry. I am really sorry. Please forgive me. “



I wish I could have said those words to her today. I wish I could put my feelings in words to say to her. But, as they say, an arrow from a bow and spoken words cant return. How I wish those can return. How I wish I could bring smile to her face. And, I have always wanted that, but have always ended up doing the opposite. Sometimes I feel god is doing justice to her by keeping me away from her. As she puts it, “Whatever god will do, will be the best”. May be she’s right. She doesn’t deserve an asshole like me who has only given her tears. I wish things go back to our 4th year. That was one time I had no fear of loosing her and I was a completely different person. It is only the fear of loosing her which has made me change into this rascal. And oh god, I hate my self for this. I hate myself for being so bad to her. I hate myself for being unable to bring happiness in her life.
I am scared now. I am scared how would I tell her that I planning to leave? Oh shit….What have I done? Who would be by her side in my absence? Am I leaving too early? I wish I could tell her right away and get this load off my back. But, its not all that simple. I will have to give her strength to fight it. And may be the only way to do so is by not coming forward as an understanding person. By repeating the same old stupid things to irritate her, so that she starts hating me. Already things have changed a lot and some more effort from my side will make sure she gets fed up of me. But is it the only way out? I mean I cant hurt her intentionally. It would be like slapping myself 4 times for every wrong thing/word said to her. And it might also mean giving her deep enough wounds that may never heal. No…I cant do this to her. I have already tried doing this before. It never worked. She stood strong and I kept on breaking myself with my own words said to her. It killed me more than it killed her in past. But, it has definitely changed things…or at least aided her somewhere to get over me…..to become less careful and caring towards me….helped her in staying wid her work only…..
I don’t know, there must be some way to make her strong enough to face it. But, I can only support her once I am able to support myself at least. At this point of time, I am so weak. But, doesn’t matter..I will support her….i will give her the required strength…I will fight for her happiness…till the last drop of blood falls out of my body….yes I will….