Why ME???

11th DEC 08

A question that has started to Haunt me more and more these days. Why this happens to me? Why do I have to loose every time I try to fight? Why is it that I dream for things, fight for them only to loose them all at the end? I am tired now. I am tired of fighting and losing again and again. Every time I have lifted myself from the rags in an aspiration to fight and win. And every time I have lost. Why am I the one bestowed with so much of despair and pain? And if this was what I was made to go through, why don’t I have courage to fight it?

Why does it happen to me? Why? Why? Why? I don’t harm any body. I don’t want bad of anyone and still I face this? Misery..Failures…Losses…Tears….Why?

I got a reject from London Business School. The chances were really low, with me competing against guys with 6 years of work ex…But I believed, I deserve at least an interview call. Out of the only 2 places I have applied so far, I have one reject and one WL. With such huge money of my parents at stake, I cant take chances with the quality of college I go to. 30 lakhs is by no means a small amount and it would break the back of my parents to arrange it for me. At a time when they should be sitting comfortably at home and me serving them, I would be off to a far off place…I cant compromise on the university…There’s a lot I am doing already. The good univs wont take me in and I wont apply to average ones…Result..I would be stuck in this fucking life of mine….For more pain…for more misery…may be that’s what I deserve and may be that’s why I am living through all this.
Basically, I cant even run away successfully. I cant do anything in this bloody life. Simply, putting it into words, I am not ALLOWED to succeed this time too. I am meant to keep another failure in my books.
Where is my life heading to? This is not the life I wanted to live. A job from where I can be kicked out anytime or transferred to Canada, a streak of loosing applications, no intent to study, lost relations…name a problem and I have it in my life. How am I suppose to carry on with so much burden behind my back? My back aches…It breaks now…Today as I look back on my life, I realise I have only lost in life….starting from the age of 15 to this present age. There are only failures in my life…And it includes all spheres…Entrances, failed businesses, failed relations, failed job….A looser…A born looser.

And then, why is it that I have been ripped off all my vents? Why is it that I don’t have any one to share this thing today? These feelings & circumstances are killing me inside….Am I supposed to go back to my original shell? Locking myself up from the world? The very person who broke those walls to touch my heart is no more there. All of sudden someone started feeling pain because of my love for her….My feelings became “those” feelings for her….and soon she decided to walk away from me..walk away from the very source that gave her that pain…May be it helped her to stay happy…and if it did, I wont complain…It still pains me..and probably would pain throughout, but I wont complain. I would give her what she asked….I wont show her “those” feelings of mine….But, I know I cant kill them…
I had a word with her yesterday…she was happy….and I allowed her to stay happy…added smiles to her….Her voice made me prompt to tell her everything….But, somehow I stopped….And soon she hung up…She had work to do.

I don’t know what would I do next…Everything is so uncertain. There is haze all around…It is the cold “November Rain”…and …

My next step could be an impromptu decision or could be again a well thought of loosing plan…I don’t know….i don’t know where am I going next….