Diary entry..30th september

Its Over…or should I say It has begun…. Its late night of 30th September & I have met the deadline for Haas’s MFE program. In case, this is the program that I am going to, I have not even 6 months left in India. Come to think of it…about 3 months ago, I had no plans of doing it…and suddenly today, I find myself in the middle of such an impromptu situation. Last 20 days have been hectic….or should I say more than hectic.
I wrote IELTS on Saturday the 27th September. It was a hectic day. I was running fever because of my last weekend’s throat infection. The centre for my test was far off..Mathura Road,near badarpur, a journey of about 35Kms from my home. The schedule wasn’t too good either..i had a 4 hour test from 1215noon till 415 Pm and den a 5 hour break before an interview at 9PM. The place was too far off to go anywhere during the break. I had initially thought of going to chachaji’s place..but that didn’t work out. The test started on time and in the very first hour of my test I realised that my health is not supporting me too well. I had concealed this info from my parents, otherwise they would have come all the way with me to the test centre. I couldn’t have done that to them. Somehow, I managed to sit through the test, which ended sharp at 430. The interviews were scheduled to start in an hour…I had to try my luck at the starting of interviews to get my interview preponed before 9PM as I knew, it would be more than difficult for me to sustain by then. I switched on my cellphone to find 2 msgs from sunshine saying “u safe na?”. I was puzzled and replied saying “y wat happened?”….the msg didn’t deliver I guess on time….Meanwhile, I called Pa..he asked me about the test and stuff and advised me not to go out of the test centre and stuff. This advice came as a shock to me. My parents don’t advice this way to me and Im usually allowed to take decisions. Anyways, I took their advice and sat under a tree in the compound where the Test building was. I had some fruits to eat, but didn’t feel like eating them. Soon, megi called up and it was almost 530 when she hung up. The process of roll call for interviews had begun on 2nd floor of the same building by the time I entered the hall meant for interviews. On having a word with the co-ordinator, I realised that I might have to wait at least until 8 Pm for my interview. I had no choice but to wait.
It was about 6Pm that sunshine replied, telling me that there have been Bomb Blasts in Mehraulli.She had probably entered home after a short day in college. I understood the reason of my parents advice immediately. Sunshine asked me over the msg that where I am and I told her that I was out. She sent a small reply saying u out in fever?y?crazy or wat?. I replied saying Iam fine and don’t worry. She replied saying take care and go home soon.tc
That was all. She dint even bother to ask me where I am and what am I doing? That was not the way she used to be. Hardly 4-5 months ago, she would have made sure she knows where I am and what am I doing in fever outside my home. But, things have changed now. For her, staying it touch means asking once in a day through a message, “hi!hows ur fever?”….Had it been someone else doing this to me, I would have been happy and content that someone is bothering to ask me that much as no one has ever bothered that much, except her. But, wid sunshine my expectations have always been high…and more so because these things never happened in past. I still don’t doubt her intent…I know she must be concerned about me, but her work has changed her attitude so much. And sometimes I feel its good for me only…I don’t have to lie to her too much. Had she been the same sunshine dat I knew, I would have had a tough time hiding my activities. Also, her presence would have made me tell her everything by myself. I have never hidden any of my activites from her after all.Its her absence which has helped me hide things from her. For ex: dat day, if she wud have drilled me for info, like da way she used to, I would have to lie a lot. And I don’t even know whether I wud have been able to hide it or not. But dat all is past. The point is she never asked and I never told. At times I feel that my health and well being is all what matters to her. She just wants to see me fine in terms of health and life. What I do? Where I go?Why I do? Etc etc never bothers her. SO much unlike me….for me all these things matter a lot..and may be dats why I hurt myself so much….at least she saves herself from that!!!
I can quote another incidence…of just the next day..but this blog is not anti her…its just a way for me to write down my feelings…. and so,that incidence wud stay with me only....

Finally the interview took place at 8 PM. I had called my parents askin bout da blast after she msgd me da details….my bua lives in mehrauli and I wanted to know the well being of the family….I spent da rest 2 hours sitting in the hall…I dint even had my medicine that day…and dere was no place around to go and buy it….I had no choice but to wait patiently in the hall….in the fever….i had to do it…and I did it…
I finally reached home at 930 PM..and crashed into the bed….I knew another hectic day was waiting for me…Sunday, which otherwise is a holiday for everyone, was the day on which I had to get my video recorded in the studio. This video was required to be sent to the university and I knew I cant take it lightly.

I woke up early at 7AM to start my work. The medicine of night had worked and I was not having fever. Within 2 hours I came with the final draft of my PPT and started practising it. The events kept on happening back to back and I finally landed back home at about 4PM. I was scheduled to pick up my CD at 7PM. I had the first meal of my day at 4PM and got a harsh scolding from my mother….The fever was touching 102.5 now...highest in past week.....
At precise 710 PM I reched the studio and it was then when I recd a msg from her asking hows ur health?..same 3 words again…..I dint knew how to react to it…..I replied saying fine….the next reply came in after an hour….she wanted to knw wats up wid me and I said…”u r so busy wid ur wrk.u replyn after an hour….tu kya sunegi and kya batayegi…apna kaam karle yaar…n fyi I jst entered home”
After dat we had a small argument in which she said sorry…I was confused y is she sayin sorry…for replyn late or for being busy…wen I asked her, she said “u know it”…I said I don’t n I am confused……dere was no reply from her then….i msgd her a lil later telling her that I was serious and was confused too….I dint get a reply from her!!!! The day ended….with a wait…of an unprobable reply….
Monday morning, I woke up in 102 fever again…I was in no position to go to office…My whole body was aching and I was so drained of energy…..I had no choice but to take a leave and sleep at home….It was evening by the time I came back to my senses….almost 7 PM…..and to my expected surprise, there was still no reply from her…..It was not until Tuesday morning that I recd the same 3 words again….”Hi! how r u?”…I couldn’t take it anymore…..I replied saying fine.thanks….to which I recd a reply…”ok.good day.tc”..n I din’t knew what to reply to this indifference of her….

Things have changed…..

She says I don’t appreciate anything that she does…may be she is right…..and probably the reason is I expect so much from her…….only from her…..and dats y it hurts when she is not around……and I am a different man when I am hurt….May be Its my fault only….she sees me as her friend….only as a friend…..and people do make new friends in their life as they go ahead…..its only difficult to love again….

Its my fault that I love her…Its my fault that I expect so much….But I still cant help it….my heart chooses to cry..rather than bringing down the expectations!!!!

Silly fellow after all…biggest looser in the world!!!

Diary Entry..17th Sept

Life has taken a hair pin turn all of a sudden. As if it was not enough for me to cope up with my GMAT that I receive this. Life, has started moving on an all together different path. It was Wednesday the 10th of September. What could have ended up as a pretty ordinary day turned out to be more than eventful. I was checking out sites of various univs abroad for more info about the finance courses, when by chance I visited the site of HAAS once again. It was 14th of august, when my hopes of going to haas in 2009 were dashed. Because it was on this day only that I discovered that they have a March intake, deadline for which was expiring on 1st September. I still remember, I didn’t sleep that night cause for a moment it seemed to me that the whole idea of me applying n going abroad would fall into pieces and I would fail yet again in my life. But, life had something else planned for me. As I opened the site on 10th September, I discovered that the deadline had been extended to October 1st. For a moment I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing. I had given up all hopes on going to HAAS. Particularly because I couldn’t and wouldn’t wanna wait till March 2010, even though it is the best program to go to in US. And all of a sudden, I maybe had a chance to take a shot at march 2009 intake. And 20 days was all I had to try. I was not even sure whether I would even be able to manage it. There was so much to do…Essays, Recos, Presentation and TOEFL. I haven’t even started yet and there in front of my eyes stood an opportunity..testing me yet again in my life. I decided to give it a shot and immediately swung into action. I started contacting people, counselling houses, opened my online application and initiated the process. I don’t even know how good are my chances, for this univ has an avg work ex of 4 years…and I will have only 1.75 in case I go in march 2009. Leaving the thought aside, I went ahead, without thinking of the result. It was by the evening that a new thought crossed my mind and made me stand still…at a crossroad. The session would start on 24th march,2009 and that means, I would miss sunshine’s bday. I already have some plans to make her this bday most special. For all you know, I might not be even able to see her again in life, let alone wish her happy bday. I don’t know why my mind thought about such plans….but it did…long back….even before I decided to run away….I don’t know what to do…What’s more important for me? Of course she was the answer….then y r u running away was the next question? Coz I don’t wanna loose her….but you are doing that by going away…..may be ..I don’t know.

It has become really hectic these days. I have started taking classes for IELTS, which are held everyday from 7-10PM. I go to classes straight from my office and reach home by 10:30 or so. The day ends soon and next day begins too soon to even put me back on track…7AM next morning I wake up and follow the same schedule. I have lost the count of places I have visited in last week or so in this regard.

But that’s not all the change. Megi is going to trivandrum for at least a month on 24th September for her TCS training. In the recent past, she has been the only person who has supported me whenever she felt I needed someone to shoulder. It is all together a different story that she is able to judge that not even 10% of the times and am successful in hiding most of the times. Im gonna miss talking to her so much. We almost talk daily these days. I don’t know how many times I have shouted at her for no rhyme and reason. I just wish that she gets what she has been wanting for so long in her life.

And of course….my brother is going to aussie in about 26 hours from now. We are gonna be one member short for some time now. I have seen tears in mom’s eyes all through the week. It is so brave of her to allow me as well to go abroad…..My parents are gonna be all alone if I also go…this very thought stops me at times…makes me wanna stay back….in my mom’s arms….but I don’t know why I still keep moving on…may be im devoid of all the emotions…I have turned into a running machine….who knows only one thing…to succeed….But is it really a success that I am chasing? Or is it gonna be the biggest failure of my life, for which I’ll be throwing parties and getting appreciation?

Im racing against time….to beat myself…
Im fighting hard…….to defeat myself….
I don’t know what this race would bring to me,
But for the time being, Im keeping it all to myself….



Sunshine is busy as she has been in past few months and these days she is having her exams. And last time she even banged the phone on my face. I called her back thinking that it was a network problem, but it wasn’t...I shouted back at her and banged the phone back. I felt so bad after doing it. I didn’t speak a single word after that in office. And, when I stopped my bike at my home, my eyes were red….I have cried all the way to home….Asking myself again and again not to do so…But I just couldn’t control myself….I remember once megi did dis to me..and I didn’t talk to her for at least 3 days..even after her repeated sorries.....…for me..it is an insult…..Intentional or unintentional….i don’t like this….but I cant stay angry from my love….I miss her every second of my day….she is always on my mind when I go about my application process…I don’t know what I am doing or why Im doing this….

I just know one thing…

I still……love her

Diary Entry 3rd Sept 2008

I don’t know y am I doing this? Why am I going on a path which is so not wanted. I haven’t slept for last 2 nights….Not because I was studying, but because tears wouldn’t stop. And I don’t even know why am I crying?? My GMAT is scheduled in 2 days from now. And may be I realise that this would be the very first step towards closing the doors behind me forever. Doors, which would never be opened again…Not even if I want to…I have started walking on a one way path, the end of which is unknown, uncertain and so much in dark. A path, on which I cant turn back….Though that doesn’t mean I would keep going ahead…I may or may not…..I may stay stagnant or I may be mowed over by some oder event in my life…But there is definitely no turning back. But, still Im doing it..unwillingly..dis-intrested…

Trying to gather all the pain within myself…..I m trying to move on..

But then why do these tears come? Wasn’t it my decision to run away? Nobody forced me to do so..rather people made several unsuccessful attempts in order to turn me around…to stop me….but I didn’t do either. Isnt it me who gives "a better career" as the reaosn for my decision? Isnt it me who is flooing everyone around and perhaps myself too???
Then why have I spent last two nites widout sleep in my eyes…Why is that every morning of mine starts wid a tear dese days and every day ends wid anoder one? Why is that dese tears come so unwarranted? They don’t see the time, place or mood of mine….Why is it so hard for me to show people around that Im happy???Why?Why?
I don’t belong to that class of people who can put a fake mask on dere face in public. I just cant do it. No matter how hard I try. And when people ask me as to what happened?I don’t have an answer to give. I cant tell them anything..coz if I do….they wud blame sunshine…..or may be they wud blame me too….n I cant take at least da former….

And I….have no one to share dese feelings with….its only…ME AGAINST MYSELF.
I should start accepting this and shud learn to walk this way. Because the path I have chosen is only uphill...its full of uncertanities and darkness.....dere wud be no one to support me dere….I’ll have to walk alone….dere wud be no one to come medicate and heal my wounds….dere wud be no one to which I can turn around and ask for help…no one in whose lap I can lay down and take a nap….no shoulder to put my head on….no one to wipe my tears….no one to cry for….no one to share a laugh…no one to hear my deepest secrets…no one to enjoy my success wid…no one to attribute my success to…no one to live for…no one to die for….