Diary Entry 3rd Sept 2008

I don’t know y am I doing this? Why am I going on a path which is so not wanted. I haven’t slept for last 2 nights….Not because I was studying, but because tears wouldn’t stop. And I don’t even know why am I crying?? My GMAT is scheduled in 2 days from now. And may be I realise that this would be the very first step towards closing the doors behind me forever. Doors, which would never be opened again…Not even if I want to…I have started walking on a one way path, the end of which is unknown, uncertain and so much in dark. A path, on which I cant turn back….Though that doesn’t mean I would keep going ahead…I may or may not…..I may stay stagnant or I may be mowed over by some oder event in my life…But there is definitely no turning back. But, still Im doing it..unwillingly..dis-intrested…

Trying to gather all the pain within myself…..I m trying to move on..

But then why do these tears come? Wasn’t it my decision to run away? Nobody forced me to do so..rather people made several unsuccessful attempts in order to turn me around…to stop me….but I didn’t do either. Isnt it me who gives "a better career" as the reaosn for my decision? Isnt it me who is flooing everyone around and perhaps myself too???
Then why have I spent last two nites widout sleep in my eyes…Why is that every morning of mine starts wid a tear dese days and every day ends wid anoder one? Why is that dese tears come so unwarranted? They don’t see the time, place or mood of mine….Why is it so hard for me to show people around that Im happy???Why?Why?
I don’t belong to that class of people who can put a fake mask on dere face in public. I just cant do it. No matter how hard I try. And when people ask me as to what happened?I don’t have an answer to give. I cant tell them anything..coz if I do….they wud blame sunshine…..or may be they wud blame me too….n I cant take at least da former….

And I….have no one to share dese feelings with….its only…ME AGAINST MYSELF.
I should start accepting this and shud learn to walk this way. Because the path I have chosen is only uphill...its full of uncertanities and darkness.....dere wud be no one to support me dere….I’ll have to walk alone….dere wud be no one to come medicate and heal my wounds….dere wud be no one to which I can turn around and ask for help…no one in whose lap I can lay down and take a nap….no shoulder to put my head on….no one to wipe my tears….no one to cry for….no one to share a laugh…no one to hear my deepest secrets…no one to enjoy my success wid…no one to attribute my success to…no one to live for…no one to die for….