Diary entry..30th september

Its Over…or should I say It has begun…. Its late night of 30th September & I have met the deadline for Haas’s MFE program. In case, this is the program that I am going to, I have not even 6 months left in India. Come to think of it…about 3 months ago, I had no plans of doing it…and suddenly today, I find myself in the middle of such an impromptu situation. Last 20 days have been hectic….or should I say more than hectic.
I wrote IELTS on Saturday the 27th September. It was a hectic day. I was running fever because of my last weekend’s throat infection. The centre for my test was far off..Mathura Road,near badarpur, a journey of about 35Kms from my home. The schedule wasn’t too good either..i had a 4 hour test from 1215noon till 415 Pm and den a 5 hour break before an interview at 9PM. The place was too far off to go anywhere during the break. I had initially thought of going to chachaji’s place..but that didn’t work out. The test started on time and in the very first hour of my test I realised that my health is not supporting me too well. I had concealed this info from my parents, otherwise they would have come all the way with me to the test centre. I couldn’t have done that to them. Somehow, I managed to sit through the test, which ended sharp at 430. The interviews were scheduled to start in an hour…I had to try my luck at the starting of interviews to get my interview preponed before 9PM as I knew, it would be more than difficult for me to sustain by then. I switched on my cellphone to find 2 msgs from sunshine saying “u safe na?”. I was puzzled and replied saying “y wat happened?”….the msg didn’t deliver I guess on time….Meanwhile, I called Pa..he asked me about the test and stuff and advised me not to go out of the test centre and stuff. This advice came as a shock to me. My parents don’t advice this way to me and Im usually allowed to take decisions. Anyways, I took their advice and sat under a tree in the compound where the Test building was. I had some fruits to eat, but didn’t feel like eating them. Soon, megi called up and it was almost 530 when she hung up. The process of roll call for interviews had begun on 2nd floor of the same building by the time I entered the hall meant for interviews. On having a word with the co-ordinator, I realised that I might have to wait at least until 8 Pm for my interview. I had no choice but to wait.
It was about 6Pm that sunshine replied, telling me that there have been Bomb Blasts in Mehraulli.She had probably entered home after a short day in college. I understood the reason of my parents advice immediately. Sunshine asked me over the msg that where I am and I told her that I was out. She sent a small reply saying u out in fever?y?crazy or wat?. I replied saying Iam fine and don’t worry. She replied saying take care and go home soon.tc
That was all. She dint even bother to ask me where I am and what am I doing? That was not the way she used to be. Hardly 4-5 months ago, she would have made sure she knows where I am and what am I doing in fever outside my home. But, things have changed now. For her, staying it touch means asking once in a day through a message, “hi!hows ur fever?”….Had it been someone else doing this to me, I would have been happy and content that someone is bothering to ask me that much as no one has ever bothered that much, except her. But, wid sunshine my expectations have always been high…and more so because these things never happened in past. I still don’t doubt her intent…I know she must be concerned about me, but her work has changed her attitude so much. And sometimes I feel its good for me only…I don’t have to lie to her too much. Had she been the same sunshine dat I knew, I would have had a tough time hiding my activities. Also, her presence would have made me tell her everything by myself. I have never hidden any of my activites from her after all.Its her absence which has helped me hide things from her. For ex: dat day, if she wud have drilled me for info, like da way she used to, I would have to lie a lot. And I don’t even know whether I wud have been able to hide it or not. But dat all is past. The point is she never asked and I never told. At times I feel that my health and well being is all what matters to her. She just wants to see me fine in terms of health and life. What I do? Where I go?Why I do? Etc etc never bothers her. SO much unlike me….for me all these things matter a lot..and may be dats why I hurt myself so much….at least she saves herself from that!!!
I can quote another incidence…of just the next day..but this blog is not anti her…its just a way for me to write down my feelings…. and so,that incidence wud stay with me only....

Finally the interview took place at 8 PM. I had called my parents askin bout da blast after she msgd me da details….my bua lives in mehrauli and I wanted to know the well being of the family….I spent da rest 2 hours sitting in the hall…I dint even had my medicine that day…and dere was no place around to go and buy it….I had no choice but to wait patiently in the hall….in the fever….i had to do it…and I did it…
I finally reached home at 930 PM..and crashed into the bed….I knew another hectic day was waiting for me…Sunday, which otherwise is a holiday for everyone, was the day on which I had to get my video recorded in the studio. This video was required to be sent to the university and I knew I cant take it lightly.

I woke up early at 7AM to start my work. The medicine of night had worked and I was not having fever. Within 2 hours I came with the final draft of my PPT and started practising it. The events kept on happening back to back and I finally landed back home at about 4PM. I was scheduled to pick up my CD at 7PM. I had the first meal of my day at 4PM and got a harsh scolding from my mother….The fever was touching 102.5 now...highest in past week.....
At precise 710 PM I reched the studio and it was then when I recd a msg from her asking hows ur health?..same 3 words again…..I dint knew how to react to it…..I replied saying fine….the next reply came in after an hour….she wanted to knw wats up wid me and I said…”u r so busy wid ur wrk.u replyn after an hour….tu kya sunegi and kya batayegi…apna kaam karle yaar…n fyi I jst entered home”
After dat we had a small argument in which she said sorry…I was confused y is she sayin sorry…for replyn late or for being busy…wen I asked her, she said “u know it”…I said I don’t n I am confused……dere was no reply from her then….i msgd her a lil later telling her that I was serious and was confused too….I dint get a reply from her!!!! The day ended….with a wait…of an unprobable reply….
Monday morning, I woke up in 102 fever again…I was in no position to go to office…My whole body was aching and I was so drained of energy…..I had no choice but to take a leave and sleep at home….It was evening by the time I came back to my senses….almost 7 PM…..and to my expected surprise, there was still no reply from her…..It was not until Tuesday morning that I recd the same 3 words again….”Hi! how r u?”…I couldn’t take it anymore…..I replied saying fine.thanks….to which I recd a reply…”ok.good day.tc”..n I din’t knew what to reply to this indifference of her….

Things have changed…..

She says I don’t appreciate anything that she does…may be she is right…..and probably the reason is I expect so much from her…….only from her…..and dats y it hurts when she is not around……and I am a different man when I am hurt….May be Its my fault only….she sees me as her friend….only as a friend…..and people do make new friends in their life as they go ahead…..its only difficult to love again….

Its my fault that I love her…Its my fault that I expect so much….But I still cant help it….my heart chooses to cry..rather than bringing down the expectations!!!!

Silly fellow after all…biggest looser in the world!!!