Happy Friendship Day

Like every year, this day came again in my life. And probably it was for the first time ever, that I met some of my friends on or around friendship day. I met megi on the Friday preceding Sunday. The meeting was long overdue and was certainly not because of friendship day around. In fact it was not until last minutes of our meeting did we realise that friendship day was just so around the corner. It was a very casual meeting over a pizza and ice cream. Nothing much out of it.
On the night of Saturday I was over the phone with megi, who had called up 5 mins before 12 and wished me all of a sudden in between our conversation. I never realised that it was 12 and we are onsetting Frndshp day. Almost minutes after clock striked 12, sunshine messaged me, which I didn’t realise probably because of some settings of my phone. But, as soon as I did, I hung up on megi and read her msg. It was a long pre written msg conveying certain things I always knew and certain repeated phrases. I don’t even know whether that msg was written specifically to me or not. The message seemed to have a little general tone, and was probably written to a very selected few best frnds of her. I don’t know frankly. I cant recall an instance when I have done such a thing with her. Each and every emotional or imp msg sent to her had been personally written by me specifically for her. I just hoped that she did the same. But, what could I reply with was my next thought. She is no more a frend to me. She moved ahead of that definition long long back. She is my love, somebody whom I breathe every moment of my current life. And its certainly not the case that she doesn’t know all this. So, what could have been my reply to her? After all what I have went through in past month or so, can I send her a very normal reply? That is so much unlike what I used to be. But, to my surprise I replied to her with a very normal thanks and same to you msg. Im sure had she replied to it, I would have expressed myself so much yet again to her. But luckily or unluckily, she didn’t reply back. May be she had slept by the time I replied or may be that she was too busy……as she had been in recent days. I thought of calling her the next day.
It was already 9 when I was woken up by a call on my cell. It was Yuvi, wishing me in his usual style, by calling me up early morning. And pretty soon I deciphered that he plans to come over to our place for the day. I was excited and disappointed at the same time. With a little over month left for my gmat, it is not easy for me to go out on outings that often, and one with yuvi wouldn’t end in an hour or so, it surely meant at least half of the day out. But, I couldn’t refuse him. After all, he has been one of my most genuine friends ever. We decided to meet at DC and went to bercos, where we ordered some drinks and had an appetiser. Me ordering for a drink came as a surprise to him as I didn’t use to drink before I went to Mumbai. He even asked me how come this change and Im laughed it over saying “I have grown up”. We decided to catch up a movie and decided on “jaane tu ya jaane na” . He had watched it before, but still insisted me to come with him for it again. I wasn’t too keen on watching a movie on love/frndhsp…but gave in to his persuasive demand. While all this was going on, I thought of meeting shekhar n manav too and asked shekhar to see if we can meet up. But, both of them were busy and so it didn’t work out. I also called shreya, she never picked up but and neither did she replied back or messaged. Im somehow disappointed in calling her my best friend now. She has never been there when I have needed her and everytime we had met/talked, she had only her side of problems to share/discuss or ask solutions to. I wasn’t too upset with her on that day, but was really hurt the day I got to know that she left for US about 5 days after that Sunday. Neither did she meet me nor did she bothered to at least call me to say good bye and that too when we both were in the same city.
Nevertheless, I recd a msg from manav in between the movie asking me to come to CP to meet them. And after the movie, me and yuvi took a metro and headed for CP. Upon reaching there, yuvi headed for his home while I met those two monkeys. Nothing has changed amongst us. We still greet ourselves calling each other ‘kamine’. Probably the only thing that has changed is that we all are no more that carefree and relaxed as we used to be.
We landed once again at york’s…manav’s favourite restro bar, once again. It was daaru time again. Shekhar is still a non drinker and I chose not to drink as I had already taken some in the afternoon. We spent some time there, catching up on our past and talking about our present. Shekhar’s GF after a span of 5 years was a good enough topic for us to share some light moments. Man….this guy was in love….true love..and I was able to relate to all his words so much. It was beyond dusk when we finished our drinks and decided to go for a walk outside. It was a little cloudy and whether was perfect to spend some time out in open. We headed to central park and it was beyond 7 P.M.
I don’t know how it came…..but I told them about my decision to write Gmat. Both of them were shocked and awed. Stunned to their utter disbelief on hearing my decision. “Why do you want to do that?” was the first question that came out from them. They already know everything about me and my love, it wasn’t difficult for them to guess the reason barely after I had said some words. A debate started amongst us. Both of them were against this decision of mine. What about your parents? You don’t have any responsibility towards them? Why are you hurting yourself? Do you think you will be able to forget her once you are there? Do you think you love her only because you are in same city? Do you think you would stop loving her? Would you stop talking to us as well?

These were some of the questions they fired at me. I had answers to all of them, but I knew none was convincing. If I cant convince myself with answers, how can I convince them? For the first time in my life I realised that these guys know me much better than what I thought. I kept on defying their logic and reasoning and they kept on trying.
Tears were flowing out of my eyes all throughout. Manav snaped at me asking me why am I crying for a girl? Shekhar replied saying he is not crying because of a girl, he is crying because he can cry in front of us. I still remember the day when I had slapped Manav in front of the whole class in school because he was crying. I probably never knew the value of tears at that point of my life. Even after that slap, nothing changed between us.
We didn’t even realise that its 9 PM and we were still debating. I finally wanted to submit everything.

Manav was more vociferous of the two. He was still admonishing me, trying to convince me to change my decision.
Manav: “Kittu, you have been the one who I have always looked up to. You have given me strength and courage when I was in similar situation. Main humesha tujhe dekhta tha aur khud ko samjhata tha kit tere jaisa banun. Aur aaj tu aisi baatein kar raha hai? Kyun?”
Me: may be you didn’t knew me well. This is real me.
Manav: This is not real you. This is not our kittu. You have never been like this before. Deep inside, you are not one of those who show their backs to problems. You have taught me to fight. How come you are succumbing to everything now? Tu shayad khudko nahi jaanta, par hum jaante hain. Tu kabhi aisa nahi tha..aur na hi tu ab aisa hai. Fir tu kyun kar raha hai aisa?


I was quite once again in my life.



I didn’t budge. They had to give up on my decision. They were disgusted by the fact that im not at all listening to them. There was so much sarcasm in manav’s voice when he said “kittu is always right. He would not listen to us”

We bade good bye soon after

Revelation

It finally happened. Something that was with me for so long got passed to megi. In a jest of matter, I told her that I love someone. She was more than offended that how come I haven’t told her about it. I defended by saying that there was never an appropriate time for it. Even though we were chatting online, she wanted to know everything and I was abstaining from it. I told her that lets meet tomorrow after my office and I would tell her everything. She debated a lot, but finally succumbed to my obstinate behavior. We met about 2 days back. We went to CP and took seats in a coffee house. Our conversation started as usual with normal talks, with me picking on everything that she does. Mocking her and making fun of her. But it was not long before we moved to the more serious topic. I told her everything right from the scratch to the present. The story wasn’t short enough to remain seated and by the time I was ending it, we were back in her car, on our way back to her house. But, it was more than a story that I told her. It was a complete burst of emotions that came out. I don’t even remember what all facts I told her. There was a deafening silence when I ended. I knew there were tears in my eyes ever since I started this conversation, but didn’t realize that they have come out in large numbers. A number good enough to wet top end of my collar. And just when I looked at megi, I realized that she was crying too. She had tears in her eyes, waiting to come out…..It was almost similar to what happened when I told this to Shailja in Pune. The only difference being was probably of the place and of the advices they both offered.
Probably megha had answers to many of her questions now….She now knows why did I ever let kajal go and date somebody else, she knows now why I didn’t do anything about it even when almost everyone thought that things are workable. She knows now why do I have sudden mood swings, why on a given day I am completely quiet, and why on some days I don’t even talk to her properly.
And most importantly she was finally able to connect all my recent decisions and words to my actions. She knew why is that I have decided to run away. What is the reason that I have decided to write GMAT. What is the reason that I have given up all my plans to start my dream business here in India. What is the reason that there seems to be no desire left in me to fight the world and succeed.
She was always against my decision and her opposition to the whole thing is now stronger. Almost everyday since then to today she has asked me to think again, to reconsider my decision. She rightly says that running away is not the solution. She was trying to come to a more rational choice. She said doing this won’t solve any problem. There was just one thing that I told her, to which she probably had no answer. And then, she stopped outright opposition. Though her sarcasm still continues, but she doesn’t oppose me outright.

“Running away might not be a solution, but sometimes that’s all you can do”

Mom says

Writing GMAT was not an easy decision for me, at a time when I know that my bro is scheduled to go abroad in sometime and our family would be reduced to 3 for some years at least. My parents are already under debt of loan for my brother and they might not be able to take another loan for me. Thus, it was very imp for me to talk to them about this. I told them that I want to write GMAT and go abroad. For a minute or so, there was a silence in the room where we three were seated. Neither me and probably nor my parents knew what to say next. The silence would have prevailed had my father not broken it. He was supportive as usual to all of my decisions and said, “go ahead beta, we’ll support you”. While the decision given to me was supportive, but I could see it in my mom’s eyes that she wasn’t all that comfortable with it. Her face was emotionless, not suggesting a rejection of my request, but suggesting a storm which just hit her. I couldn’t have taken it anymore and before any other words could have been said, I moved out of the room saying thanks papa.
I started preparing for GMAT and its really not easy to do so. Not because the paper is tough, but may be because there is no eternal desire from inside to do well. Unlike other decisions that I have taken in my past, where I ask myself some questions before coming to a decision, this decision didn’t had to go through all that. May be because, in my complete rational senses, I would not be able to support it. This is not something I ever wanted and may be it is still not something that I want. I still love my India. I was one of those patriotic people who recd a lot of flak from many others. The will, the desire is just missing. And I knew, if I ask myself certain questions, I would more or less deviate away from it. And somehow, I didn’t want that. Fighting against myself every single day, I am preparing for the test. It is fucking hard to quash all the dreams built over the years, to destroy all the hard work ever done for it and take back all those efforts and put it into a whole together different cause. And the worst part, I may not use GMAT for MBA. I may not do MBA either.

It was a very awkward position today. I was working over something on my laptop when my mom came and sat close to me. She had a look of an inquisitive person and so I asked, what is it ma? What came next from her was not less than an atom bomb on me. The words were simple, but they carried weight.

“How come you have all of a sudden decided to go abroad? You were one of those people who always said that studying abroad is a waste of money. You were the one who initially opposed your brother going to Australia. You always used to say that you love India and would want to stay here and build a strong business. Kya hua ekdum se that you are preparing for GMAT and planning abroad? “

I was silent.

Retrospect

It is the first week of July and a lot of activity and changes are happening around me. I hurt my knee about 2 weeks back and was bed ridden completely for some days. This is one part of my life I hate so much, lying helplessly on my bed. I have to request my mom/bro even for a glass of water. Doing nothing and surviving this pain day after day isn’t all that easy. Doctor says that this time I have hurt my knee very badly. Far more than anytime in previous years and that could be dangerous. But, Im just banking on the fact that like previous years, this time too, my injury should heal up fast.
I had told about the injury to her too along with some of my other friends. Some close ones called immediately or in a day and that was the end of the formality for them. Frankly, I never expected anyone to give me a call once again until a week is over or we get to next weekend(present day). But, I had expected at least one call/msg in a day from her. But, she is too busy with her assignments and college. So much so, that all her replies these days fail to reach second line of display in my cell. I felt bad and I told her this. But, she replied saying she knows her priorities. I wonder how much time does it really take in a day to drop in a line. And even if she asks,the only thing that comes from her side is a msg like dis :” Hi,How are you?”
I don’t know how to reply to this, I don’t know whom to complaint to about her. She comprises my complete world. And as a result, I spit it out on her completely. I told her each and everything that I feel. After all, she is supposed to be my best friend. If I don’t tell her, then who could I turn to.But, there was no reply from her side. Not on day one ,not on day two and neither after a week. May be she was too busy to eat even. And I agree to the fact that she was busy. But I too needed her at this time. Her assignments and classes are more important for her than a 5 minute communication with me. I know she would refute this statement, but I also know that what kind of a person she is when she has work around herself.

I would have never expected her to give me a call or msg me had I not been injured. But, may be this was the time I needed her the most. And not only because I was injured, but also because Im mentally so down these days. My brother is supposed to leave for Australia in about 2 weeks from now. Its not that I have never stayed without him before, but this time around its so different. He is going to a different country all together. He may not be back for 2 years. It was such a tough decision for my parents to send him after what all has happened with us. Its like putting a boat, when there is a storm in the sea. But, for my bro, they did it and he is scheduled to leave soon.

And as a result of all this, there were many things to be told to sunshine, but they all have gathered dust, lost significance of time and may soon be buried inside me. It feels to me that my life is slowly and steadily taking away from me everything and anything that I love. I already have a very bad career, though I don’t admit it, but yes, its really bad. Sunshine has left almost and so is my brother. I would have been able to express myself really better had I written this post some time back. But since, Im writing it in hindsight, there are many emotions that are left unsaid.

I have decided....

Things have changed a lot...My present life is nothing but a piece of bull shit that Im living these days.I dont cherish even a single day of my life....The reasons are one but plenty.....I stand as a looser as of nowon both personal and professional fronts of life....May be the most imp and the only fronts in my life...The very fact that she is never gonna be with me kills me everyday....i cant help it at all....It is like somethingwhich has gotten into my unconcious self....something that i cant forget even if i want to.....I myself am so amzed that how can i love someone so seriously and so deeply.....that...that everything except her haslost meaning in my life.....evryday...damn it every damn day my eyes open with a thought of her......no matter whether I talk to her or not...no matter whether i see her or not...no matter I try to distance myself so far away from her...even den.....not even a single morning occurs widout her thought......im crippled....feel so helpless.....i cant donething in dis world to make her be with me....n da reason probably is only one....It was always a one sided love....What i see in her,probably she has never seen in me....a life long companion...more dan a frnd....for me she is everythingin dis world.....one single talk with her makes my day....it relieves me of all my worries n tensions...no matter whether i share them with her or not....just..jst her presence makes so much of difference.....n i really dont knowwhat i wud do wen she wud go away....i cant see her with anyone....she is da most precious possesion of mine...hw can i see her being given to somebody else...hw can i see someone else loving her and most importantly...hw can i seeshe loving somebody else back......I cant..i just cant...i have tried each and everything in dis world to be normal...to try n forget my love for her,to come over her...but have failed again n again...n as i feel now...she is truly in my blood....it seems more dramatical than what itactually is.....bt i eat,sleep,drink & live her every moment of my life.....I somehow am loosing this battle....I have drained all my energy....Im down and out.....Fallen apart and broken....into pieces...millions of dem.....and as i try n regroup myself....i saw a blade of axe coming over my head....may be dis is da last blow.....may be dis would end all da misery and pain i have been facing.....by finishing me once and for all...but...dat doesnt happen....it only breaks me...further into more pieces....to live dis pain without dying.....to keep fighting a lost battle....
I cant take it anymore....i cant fight anymore....and as a result...I have decided...."TO RUN AWAY"
Yes...so much unlike me is this decision....That is not what ankit used to be....probably thats not what ankit is.....

Its a start

First of all, let me post something about the need of this blog. Many a times I have felt the need of writing a personal diary...somewhere where I can probably pen down whatever i feel and think....Howsoever bad or good...bt somehow never in my life i have been able to do so....the primary reason that I feel of it is that whenever i have faced problems in my life, I have found a way out to keep myself busy....something which either makes u forgetthe problem or makes u fight it....But somehow of the late,something inside me has changed....probably for da frst time im feeling lonely enoughto write down something and share it with a mute piece of paper....This blog was long overdue...Im posting this post at least after about two months of when I thought I would...So basically, though the post would read some present date,the idea is a little older...it was about first-second week of july 2008 that i thought about writing this...
I dont know how frequent i would be on dis blog...and just hope dat dis wud stay a little longer with me in my life..