Mom says

Writing GMAT was not an easy decision for me, at a time when I know that my bro is scheduled to go abroad in sometime and our family would be reduced to 3 for some years at least. My parents are already under debt of loan for my brother and they might not be able to take another loan for me. Thus, it was very imp for me to talk to them about this. I told them that I want to write GMAT and go abroad. For a minute or so, there was a silence in the room where we three were seated. Neither me and probably nor my parents knew what to say next. The silence would have prevailed had my father not broken it. He was supportive as usual to all of my decisions and said, “go ahead beta, we’ll support you”. While the decision given to me was supportive, but I could see it in my mom’s eyes that she wasn’t all that comfortable with it. Her face was emotionless, not suggesting a rejection of my request, but suggesting a storm which just hit her. I couldn’t have taken it anymore and before any other words could have been said, I moved out of the room saying thanks papa.
I started preparing for GMAT and its really not easy to do so. Not because the paper is tough, but may be because there is no eternal desire from inside to do well. Unlike other decisions that I have taken in my past, where I ask myself some questions before coming to a decision, this decision didn’t had to go through all that. May be because, in my complete rational senses, I would not be able to support it. This is not something I ever wanted and may be it is still not something that I want. I still love my India. I was one of those patriotic people who recd a lot of flak from many others. The will, the desire is just missing. And I knew, if I ask myself certain questions, I would more or less deviate away from it. And somehow, I didn’t want that. Fighting against myself every single day, I am preparing for the test. It is fucking hard to quash all the dreams built over the years, to destroy all the hard work ever done for it and take back all those efforts and put it into a whole together different cause. And the worst part, I may not use GMAT for MBA. I may not do MBA either.

It was a very awkward position today. I was working over something on my laptop when my mom came and sat close to me. She had a look of an inquisitive person and so I asked, what is it ma? What came next from her was not less than an atom bomb on me. The words were simple, but they carried weight.

“How come you have all of a sudden decided to go abroad? You were one of those people who always said that studying abroad is a waste of money. You were the one who initially opposed your brother going to Australia. You always used to say that you love India and would want to stay here and build a strong business. Kya hua ekdum se that you are preparing for GMAT and planning abroad? “

I was silent.